idk i had this moment today, where i was listening to myself talk and i thought this isnt me. where did the old me go ?

honeslty this is scarying me im not acting like myself im acting like this girl who i dont know.

what im acting like is this alter ego thing that isnt me. not at all.

inside im a nerd at heart. i always have and always will be. i love computers, i love anime, and im smart. not this stupid girly ditz that ive become. im even attracted to the nerdy type. well i mean hey there is that girly fansionable side to me. i guess i should incorperate that too.. but. idk..

life is just so fucked up right now. im just confused. who am  i? what am i really ?

its just hard...

on the inside i guess ill always have that comfort that i know what im about and that im a good girl at heart, i do have a concious that when i steal (which i havnet in a while) that im doing something wrong. obvoiusly. that would be pretty heartless if nobody did i mean hey,

but anyawys, what im trying to get at is in the midst of doing these drugs i didnt really want to do and drinking that i lost peices of myself and along the way its hard to gather them back up again.

i mean not even a couple weeks ago i got alcohul poisiong and started having convulsions. i was so scared and i had no idea what to do with myself. disapointed wasnt even the word to discribe it.

with summer along the way my goal is to cut back the drinking, (idk how possible that is with all the parties going on and such) but to be hoenst latley whenever i drink i dont get drunk. i need more alcohul to get drunk. which i really dont want to do that to my liver. when i dont get to the drunk point when ive dranken my ususal of what i get drunk on i atleast stop and dont keep going. atleast i know that.

okay this is getting pretty long.

so any advise ?

oh yeah, ive actualy came to the point where my mind dosent need the alcohul anymore. i knew i coudl do it on my own . now i know how to hold back.

what ive kinda realized is that its easy to watch other people live life, and think that its easy and fun. but when you live life yourself its harder and scarier than you could have imagined.