Politically, it’s that season where the only thing going on is constant polling and a smattering of horribly produced advertisements. With Obama spending most of his money on the “ground game” – which is boring – I decided to go through and watch every McCain ad on his YouTube channel that was less than 3 minutes long and didn’t make me want to crash a jet into a remote forest in order that I might live the rest of my life away from all electronic media. If Barack Obama ever releases any ads that amount to more than an avalanche of white people, we’ll discuss those, too. To the blagowebs…
Video: Man in the Arena
Finally, finally, finally, someone hired Philip Glass for a campaign ad. Fortunately, this ad is long enough that when your buzz kicks in, it’ll still be going and then it might make some sense.
Video: 624787
He’s finally found a slogan to effectively counter “Barack Obama: the Muslim Manchurian Candidate the Global Caliphate has been waiting for.”
Video: 2013
The year: 1989. On your dinner plate: ice cream. In your backyard: a pony.
Video: Troops
The first clue that you’re about to get a negative ad is music that sounds like it was recorded on tiny little instruments; in this case, it’s a toy piano. Backed up by a bigger piano, obviously, to lend the necessary gravity to the assertions that BARACK OBAMA HATES THE TROOPS AND ALSO ‘MERCA. And Iraq, apparently, because it has been years since he’d last visited. Also: would it kill you to return a call or two? John McCain, on the other hand, is always there for the troops. Look, he’s been sitting by that window for, like, 150 years, waiting for the troops. Just waiting, watching, breathing, falling asleep, checking the clock, watching. He just wants to be there for you, troops. He worries. It’s like Tuesdays With Morrie and that, of course, is why this ad ends with “I’m John McCain, and only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.” I liked him better in Glengarry Glen Ross, but then so did New Hampshire, so that doesn’t exactly make me Roger Ebert.
Video: Pump
Look, yall, it’s hot. Like, Africa hot. Streets are melting, there’s only one gas pump nearby and nobody’s using it ‘cause it’s too hot to put on pants with pockets so you can carry a wallet or money clip or whatever. But guess who’s wearing a suit, not even breaking a sweat, smiling like he just opened up a $20 gift card to Sizzler? Barack Obama, that’s who. How could you wear a suit in this heat? Furthermore, how could you be happy about wearing a suit in this heat? No good, G-d fearing, Country Time Buffet eating American would wear a suit when it’s, like, eleventy billion degrees outside. What is he, from Africa or something? I heard he’s from Jakarta, which I think is where they shot the Black Hawk Down. Just sayin’.
Video: Celeb
Seriously, yall, Barack Obama is skinny. I bet the dude’s never set foot in a Sizzler in his life, except for once when his grandparents dragged him but he kept complaining because it was too early in the afternoon for dinner and the onion rings were spongy and also, somehow, burned. That’s why he’s been spending all this time over in Europe, where all the meat is either raw or covered in this, like, white sauce that tastes like oyster juice that was left out in the sun. And if you ask them where the Burger King is they just look at you. I hate Europe and I hate Barack Obama and it makes me happy when John McCain shows up, sitting in the same place we left him from the other ads, still waiting for those troops. I’m glad the Oval Office has big, sunny windows.
Video: God’s Children
It gets worse. You know he spells it “Viet Nam”.
Video: God’s Children Redux
“El Gordo y La Flaca”. Still awful, even captioned.
Video: Anywhere, Anytime
I can’t. I just can’t.
Video: Love
Hope is for assholes.