Though perhaps the story has worn out its welcome even outside the state GOP, David Vitter’s romp through Washington’s houses of ill repute continues to have ramifications here in Louisiana. Currently, the state legislature is considering House Bill No. 40, introduced by freshman representative Chris Hazel (R-Pineville), in order to straighten us all out (ahem) on the definition of “sexual intercourse”. Really. No, really.
Indeed, HB40 (full text can be found here) provides the good citizens (and congresspersons) of Louisiana with the clarification that “’sexual intercourse’ means anal, oral, or vaginal sexual intercourse. “ Why bother? As it turns out, Rep. Hazel is quite concerned that “'...someone skilled enough could find a way around the current law,' Hazel says. ‘This would close that loophole.’” Now, I would propose affixing “close that loophole” somewhere on the Great Seal (how is that single pelican going to raise all those babies?), except that reading “loophole” while researching this piece has made my mind a filthy cesspool. The last thing Louisiana citizens need, clearly, is more moral confusion. Or filthy cesspools, for that matter.

Perhaps Hazel’s time as Assistant District Attorney of Rapides Parish was spent chasing johns through the loopholes of prostitution legislation. Who can say how many offenders escaped by invoking the ambiguity in the “sexual intercourse” clause of Louisiana’s anti-prostitution bill? Probably no one, because clients of prostitutes are almost never charged. Furthermore, by the time the state is in a position to prove what kind of intercourse was, in fact, being had, there’s probably not going to be a lot of contesting from the defendant in question anyhow.

The best way to prove ones legislative toughness, however, seems to be the passage of as many useless sex laws as possible, such as Senate Bill 144, which would allow for castration of first-time sex offenders, or Senate Bill 143, which would prevent sex offenders from participating in Halloween. That’s even more incentive for Sen. Vitter to plead the fifth during his testimony in the upcoming DC Madam case, for which he is on the witness list. At the very least he can count on his Senate allies supporting him as closely as their wide stance will allow.

And on the bright(est possible) side, though Vitter cannot seem to catch a break (see below), he is continuing to wield influence – or at least cast a shadow - in the halls of Louisiana’s sex-crazed legislature.